It's a Small World

May 10, 2007

I wrote the following for my ďStorm FrontĒ article for ďFighting SpiritĒ Magazine, back in February, and it is being reproduced with permission from Uncooked Media Ltd.

I feel like having a little bit of fun this month so I thought I would take a look at the Little People of professional Wrestling, or more specifically the Little People in professional wrestling that Iíve worked with. Iíve had many midget moments during my career, some of which I had even forgotten about. When I started writing this column I originally planned to talk about all the weird and wacky things Iíve done in my career and then realized that I was going way too long and could dedicate this entire months piece to just the Midget Shenanigans of my career.

Midget Wrestlers are of course an entertaining part of our business. Hornswaggle is experiencing a ton of success in WWE right now, and while I havenít worked with him I have had many matches/wrestling segments in my career that involved other Midget Wrestlers. My first midget moment was a mixed tag match I did with Don Callis, and two midget wrestlers whose names escape me. I think one guy was Farmer Pete, but I canít for the life of me remember the other guyís name. I think we called him Goat Face, for reasons you can likely imagine. We were doing shows in Northern Ontario and wrestling in IWAís 10-foot wrestling ring. Yes we even worked in a midget sized ring. Don and his partner were heels, my partner and I the baby faces. This show was so far north, and the crowd was so small; our goal was more to entertain ourselves than the fans. Highlights of the match included numerous spots set up by Don Callis to allow his midget partner to stiff the hell out of me. My favourite one being a spot where Don had his partner hit me with a dreaded midget knee lift. I of course sold the hell out of the little knee lift and took a jumping, twisting leap from the impact and managed to land throat first across the top rope in a hotshot like bump. In the words of Don Callis it was TREMENDOUS!

The finish of the match was a classic as we (Callis and I booked this match) had Don give my partner a standing suplex (think about how high up this poor guy was), which enraged his partner becauseÖ I guess big person on little person violence is completely uncalled for. Because of this Donís partner turned on him leading to a pile on type finish. After the match Don was enraged and confronted his partner threatening him. In fear of more big person on little person violence, my partner came to his fellow little personís aid. At this point I turned heel coming to Don Callisí aid not wanting to see uncalled for 2 on 1 action. Don and I proceeded to cut a scathing promo on our little counterparts, screaming that we were better than they were because we were TALL and they were SMALL. We then jumped the little guys, beat the hell out of them, and sent them off the ropes for a double backdrop. They were of course both baby faces now so they were too smart for us and when we bent over to deliver the double backdrop were grabbed by our hair (a lot more difficult in my case) and had our heads slammed into the mat with a double midget X factor, for a double pin!!!!! Oh if only this stuff was on tape somewhere.

From that point on my career had several midget free years. It was not until my short break between WCW and WWE that I would have another encounter with another short-legged nemesis. Between the Last Nitro and my RAW debut I worked maybe a half dozen Indy shows one of which was a return to Winnipeg to wrestle my old friend Dr. Luther. Luther was the top heel in Winnipeg in 2001 and had a midget manager named Evil Brian. I have no recollection what so ever of this match but at some point either during or after the match I managed to catch Evil Brian in my trademark Canadian Maple Leaf. Yes I put the midget manager in a half Boston Crab. This is a lot harder than you would think, but I some how managed to do it and only remember doing so because I stumbled across a photo from the match while writing this article.

Once I laid waste to poor Evil Brian it was on to WWE where more midget mayhem ensued. My most memorable Midget moment was my confrontation with The Rock and Booker Wee on RAW. Rocky was feuding with Booker T at the time and he brought out Booker Wee to poke fun at Booker T. I came out to put a stop to Rockyís shenanigans and ended up Superkicking little Booker Wee. This is my step dadís favourite moment from my career and he actually fell of his couch laughing when he watched the show. For me the funny part was that Booker Wee actually no sold my Superkick and popped right back up to his feet and they had to cut to a different camera shot to hide the fact. At the end of the match poor Booker Wee got his revenge hitting me with his version of the Peopleís Elbow. As dumb as that segment was it paid very well as the Booker Wee stuff has made it onto a couple Rock DVDs that Iím still getting Royalties from today.

My other WWE midget adventure involved a female midget Goldust. You may remember the short time I spent taking charisma lessons from Goldust but for some reason very few people remember Mini Mrs. Goldust. This was a short promo segment back stage between Goldust and myself where at the end of the promo the camera pulls out to reveal Mini Mrs. Goldust humping my leg. By itself a female midget Goldust humping my leg is fairly funny but what made this segment for me, was that the lady who played Mini Mrs. Goldust was from Mexico and didnít speak English. Brian Gewirtz produced the segment so it was up to him to explain to this women that she was supposed to simulate having sex with my leg. Brian spoke as much Spanish as she did English so he had to attempt to act out what he wanted her to do in the most politically correct manor possible, and failed miserably. In the end we convinced her to just sit on my foot and hug my leg and I had to shake my leg back and forth as best I could in an effort to make it look like she was humping my leg. On an even funnier note Brian Gewirtz is very camera phobic. He hates having his picture taken. I tried for the better part of a year to get a photo of the guy and he managed to escape every time. While Brian was demonstrating how to hump my leg to Mini Mrs. Goldust, Jimmy Photo (the WWE photographer) walked by and snapped a great shot of Brian sitting on my foot humping my leg while Mini Mrs. Goldust stared on in utter confusion. And people wonder why wrestling isnít more respected.

Lance Storm