Not as Serious as Usual

December 5, 2006

Never let it be said that I am not a good sport. This past weekend I did something I swore I would never do again. This dreaded occurrence took place on the BSE wrestling show I worked this past Sunday in Toronto. I was wrestling my good friend Christian (although since all of this is his fault, perhaps I should reassess his friendship) and the crowd in attendance that night was in a light hearted mood and cheering ridiculously for just about everything.

I knew strange things were afoot when the crowd started a “Fold your Jacket” chant, which Christian obliged leading to the first ever “This is Awesome” chant for a man folding a jacket. Christian being the natural ham played up to the crowd doing all kinds of absurdity to the joy of the crowd. This was all well and good until Christian decided to remind the crowd that once upon a time I had an ill fated Dancing gimmick. He did a very brief subtle cabbage patch and then pointed at me mouthing, “Didn’t you used to dance?”

The crowd turned their attention to me and started a “Do the Dance” chant. If looks could kill Christian would be a corpse today because I knew at that moment I was going to be stuck doing that God forsaken cabbage patch again or forever turn heel on a group of fans who came out to support this show, and it was all his fault. Words can not describe how much I hated that gimmick and how much I did not want to do that stupid dance again, but in order to be a good sport I swallowed my pride, silently swore to myself to repay Christian for this betrayal, and I cabbage patched one last time.

If that wasn’t silly enough the crowd urged us forward into several 5 second poses and of all things a spinarooni contest. Yes, incase I hadn’t fully embarrassed my self by cabbage patching once again I had to debut the Stormarooni. The shocking thing was my Spinarooni was actually a pretty good one. In a weird coincidence one of my students tried a spinarooni in class last week and after his attempt failed so miserably we ended up spending the last hour of class that day learning spinaroonis, so I was well practiced and prepared for the BSE Spinarooni contest.

After about 15 minutes of what can best be described as, Main Event, Off Beat Shenanigans, we finally settled down and had a match. The match itself went fairly well, albeit a little difficult with both of us being such strong baby faces. The crowd seemed to be into everything we did although admittedly the only “This is Awesome” chant of the night was for the folding of the jacket. The highlight of the match (at least for Christian) was no doubt picking up yet another victory over me and adding to an already lopsided win loss record over me. As I mentioned last week I actually quit the business once after losing to him and perhaps I should again, after this loss.

My back and knee held up very well, but I am still suffering the ill effects of the match some 24hrs after the fact. About 1/3 of the way through the match Christian clotheslined me right in the throat. It was like getting hit with a shovel handle right in the Adam’s apple, which believe me is not a pleasant experience. I’m having an extremely hard time swallowing (or eating) and I am now a complete mute. My voice started getting scratchy right after the match and has progressively gotten worse to the point where I am only capable of a slight whisper. If you happened to hear my brief appearance on Live Audio Wrestling Sunday night you had the pleasure of hearing my wonderful new voice.

Right after the match I was told I sounded almost exactly like Super Dave Osborn, and by the time we finished dinner I was told I was sounding almost exactly like John Laurinitis, head of WWE talent relations. Johnny has a very unique voice and we often jokingly call him Johnny Laryngitis. With my new found, Johnny Laryngitis, voice we actually considered ribbing a bunch of the boys by calling them up and firing them. It’s a shame I’m not a little more mean spirited as firing half the roster would have been a lot of fun. Come to think of it now it could have been a lot of fun to phone a bunch of Indy workers and offer them contracts. Raw Monday would have been swamped with Indy workers and Johnny would have spent the day wondering why all these people insisted he hired them.

All in all it was a great weekend. I want to thank everyone who came out to see the match; you certainly got a once in a life time performance. I also want to thank BSE for treating me so well and putting on such a great show. If you weren’t there Sunday night, be sure to keep your eyes open for the DVD release. You’ll get to see me cabbage patch, do a Spinarooni, and take the stiffest clothesline of my life. If you can’t stiff your friends who can you stiff? Maybe I can convince Abyss or Sting to receipt him for me next Sunday at Turning Point!!

Till next week,
Lance Storm