Malarkeys: Part 2

May 14, 2011
Originally posted December 15, 2002

Here is the, much anticipated, conclusion to my “Malarkey’s commentary from 2-weeks ago. If you missed part one head back to my December 2nd commentary and read it first. I’ll make sure everyone else waits for you hear as it does include important background information for this week’s.

We always had a lot of fun. Fights were few and seldom serious. One of the best fights happened our first night back from Japan; the first night we worked with Scotty. The best part about the fight is, it didn’t involve any of the customers, and it took place in the parking lot after we were closed. Tom was off that night and Bill. A manager from the hotel that owned the bar was running the show. After we closed up Chris and I were driving out of the parking lot and we noticed a guy getting beat up in the vestibule of the hotel. I realized that the guy getting beat up was Bill. Chris stops the car and I jump out first. I pull the guy off Bill and throw him out the door to the parking lot. Chris is out of the car by this point; picks the guy up and pitches him into a line of shrubs that divides the parking lot.

Bill seems fine and thanks us for bailing him out. Out of nowhere Tony comes barreling through and starts beating the hell out of the guy Jericho threw in the bushes. He picks him up and throws him back in the bushes a few times and then starts pounding on him. Tony has lost it at this point and is just raging on this guy. Chris never had a big tolerance for Tony to begin with and he realized he was going to kill this guy. Chris tackles Tony and knocks him clear, screaming “Tony that’s enough!” Tony had that big muscle head ego so he didn’t like being knocked down, besides he was in full rage at this point and turned on Chris. Chris, not being one to ever back down, charges at Tony. Tony ducks or slips and Chris goes flying by him like he just missed a cross body block.

Keep in mind, it’s the middle of winter, the parking lot is covered in ice, and both Tony and Chris are in cowboy boots. They get a hold of each other and go at it. Thankfully Bill gets Scotty, who was still inside, to help me break up Chris and Tony. Scott yells, “I’ll get Chris” leaving me to deal with a ragging Ponticorvo. Tony liked me, so I was the least likely for Tony to take a swing at. Chris calmed down pretty quick and I eventually managed to hook Tony and hold him down. After a few choice words Tony finally leaves and the rest of us headed to Denny’s for the start of a post shift ritual.

Denny’s is of course a terrible place to eat. It’s actually Jerry Lynn’s bane of existence, but at 3:00 am, it not like we had a lot of choices. There was a Denny’s just up McLeod Trail and we would always head there after work to compare stories and wind down.

We recounted many strange and amusing nights at the bar, while eating at Denny’s. One of my favourites was the night Scotty had 5 different girlfriends stop by the bar at the same time. Scotty always managed to juggle a very active social life and his juggling got very complicated on this particular night. Thankfully, we were packed to the rafters, which kept Scotty moving and provided a lot of places to hide. The hard part was that all of the waitresses hated that he screwed around so much, so they spent the whole night trying to herd all of his girlfriends to the same spot, in hopes that one of them would catch him with the other.

We were coworkers, so blatantly ratting him out was unacceptable, but the waitresses did everything they could to make sure he got caught in the act. This made our job even tougher as we had to run interference for him, while still maintaining order in the bar. It became a huge battle of us against them, with a ton of close calls, but Scotty managed to survive the night with all 5 relationships still intact. Scotty lives a rather charmed life!

Probably the greatest night in Malarkey’s history was its last. It was actually its second last night, but we all remember it as the last night because it was the one to remember. We dubbed it “The night the roof caved in!” The bar wasn’t actually closing; they were shutting down for renovations and changing the name. Thursday, Friday and Saturday were our only busy nights and on our last weekend everyone was taking things, a bit slack. Thursday night was a tradition and a night we had a lot of regulars. We played older, heavier rock music and the majority of our clientele, on these nights, were affectionately referred to as “Hair Bags”. You know the type - long hair, baseball caps, ripped jeans, etc.

For our last “Hair bag Thursday”, Tom lets a few of the more regular, regulars, dance on top of the bar after last call. Well the following night - “The night the roof caved in”, one of the regulars, who missed out the night before, decides he’s going to take his turn atop the bar.

At this point, I had been called, by the manager of the hotel, to deal with an incident in the hotel parking lot. When I got to the parking lot, I found a drunk, who I had thrown out of the bar minutes earlier, beating the hell out of a cab driver. When I pulled the guy off, the cabby said he wanted to press assault charges. I said I would hold the guy while the manger went inside to call the police. The guy takes a swing at me and tries to get away. I was always very careful never to hit anyone at work so I hook the guy and took him to the ground to pin him till the cops arrive. He was extremely drunk and not very big so it wasn’t hard.

I took the opportunity to practice a few “sugars” (shoot holds) and submissions on the guy, while waiting for the police. Chris had quit working at the bar by this point, but often stopped by to drink and hang out with the boys. As I’m rolling this guy into a Bob Backland esque, cross face chicken wing, Chris comes barreling out the back door. “You better get in there! All hell just broke loose! If any of the boys get into trouble - I saw everything. If anyone else asks - I was never here!” That was all he said before he took off. I figured backing the boys was more important than stretching this idiot till the cops arrived, so I let the guy go and ran inside.

I got inside and all the lights are on and the room is filled with a cloud of dust and half the ceiling has collapsed on top of the bar. There are fights and chaos everywhere. Once the Police and paramedics show up, we settle the place down. I find out that our moron regular, while atop the bar, decides to do chin ups from the beams above the bar. After managing to heave his fat carcass off the bar a couple of times, the beams gave way and collapsed bringing most of the ceiling down over the bar.

To make matters worse, one beam hits a guy’s girlfriend on the way down. She wasn’t badly hurt, but her drunken boyfriend, who I believe was out on parole, throws his beer bottle across the bar at some innocent guy who he has, in his drunken wisdom, decided to blame for the accident. He misses the guy, but the bottle shatters against the back wall and the guy takes a large piece of glass in the eye.

We ended up filling out Police reports till almost 5 am. The one guy ended up permanently blinded in one eye, and the guy who threw the bottle, I’m pretty sure, ended up back in jail. After a night like that we figured for sure that was our last night. There was no way they could get the bar cleaned up in time, or would want to bother, just to run one last night. We were wrong. We opened the next night, but if you ask anyone who worked at Malarkey’s they’ll all say the last night was “the night the roof caved in!”

Till next week,
Lance Storm

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